The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.
— Friedrich Nietzsche
For no particular reason, the worst version of my anxiety rears its ugly head today. It started last night, for no good reason, and culminated in a vicious stomach ache. I don't really understand it. Sometimes I think of it as a predatory animal that just lives nearby and is sometimes agitated and sometimes not. I always have my eye on it, tiptoeing around it and I can never predict. Woke up ready for the day to be over already though.
I think one of the things that makes it hard for me to address it, is what underlies it. One of my friends last year talked about how when she gets stressed she just envisions herself putting her head in her father's lap and she feels secure. She is in her forties now and that is what still soothes her. She asked me what soothes me and I told her nothing and then starting to cry as the realization of that sunk in. There is nothing.
We are all mirrors to each other as humans. Unfortunately, my family told terrible things about myself. I don't fully understand why, but I know if I had believed them, I would have been trapped. It would have been really hard. Instead, luckily, I adapted. I am a realist and I looked in the mirror and decided on my own what I thought about myself. That assessment was unforgiving in its own way but it was more realistic. The sharp edge of this quality is two-fold. Firstly, it is very difficult for me to accept compliments or praise. When people tell me things about myself, I am afraid to believe them, both the good and the bad. And then there is the loneliness which related to the anxiety. There is nowhere to rest my head. That quality which protects me also limits me. Isn't that the way it is so often.
I think it is really important to know yourself though, to know who you are and not to believe the stories people tell you about yourself. This has been a long and deeply felt journey for me. People will tell you terrible things if you let them. One of the most cruel and lowest evils to me is when someone who knows you well exerts that knowledge of your vulnerabilities over you and knocks you down. I am watching that play out between friends right now, and it is very painful to watch. For me, there is no point in judging or hurting because in the end it is the sum of all of the love and nothing else. 1+1=2 not 1-1=0. People will teach you to hate yourself if you let them. You have to decide for yourself and it is a privilege. I am beginning to believe that my anxiety is an internal version of the same battle. My stomach hurts and I am ready for the day to be over.
— Friedrich Nietzsche
For no particular reason, the worst version of my anxiety rears its ugly head today. It started last night, for no good reason, and culminated in a vicious stomach ache. I don't really understand it. Sometimes I think of it as a predatory animal that just lives nearby and is sometimes agitated and sometimes not. I always have my eye on it, tiptoeing around it and I can never predict. Woke up ready for the day to be over already though.
I think one of the things that makes it hard for me to address it, is what underlies it. One of my friends last year talked about how when she gets stressed she just envisions herself putting her head in her father's lap and she feels secure. She is in her forties now and that is what still soothes her. She asked me what soothes me and I told her nothing and then starting to cry as the realization of that sunk in. There is nothing.
We are all mirrors to each other as humans. Unfortunately, my family told terrible things about myself. I don't fully understand why, but I know if I had believed them, I would have been trapped. It would have been really hard. Instead, luckily, I adapted. I am a realist and I looked in the mirror and decided on my own what I thought about myself. That assessment was unforgiving in its own way but it was more realistic. The sharp edge of this quality is two-fold. Firstly, it is very difficult for me to accept compliments or praise. When people tell me things about myself, I am afraid to believe them, both the good and the bad. And then there is the loneliness which related to the anxiety. There is nowhere to rest my head. That quality which protects me also limits me. Isn't that the way it is so often.
I think it is really important to know yourself though, to know who you are and not to believe the stories people tell you about yourself. This has been a long and deeply felt journey for me. People will tell you terrible things if you let them. One of the most cruel and lowest evils to me is when someone who knows you well exerts that knowledge of your vulnerabilities over you and knocks you down. I am watching that play out between friends right now, and it is very painful to watch. For me, there is no point in judging or hurting because in the end it is the sum of all of the love and nothing else. 1+1=2 not 1-1=0. People will teach you to hate yourself if you let them. You have to decide for yourself and it is a privilege. I am beginning to believe that my anxiety is an internal version of the same battle. My stomach hurts and I am ready for the day to be over.
RSS Feed