"Cut out all the ropes and let me fall"
-Bon Iver
I keep losing weight. In winter, people don't notice much because of the bulky clothes. It doesn't seem to matter how much or little I eat, how much or little I run. It just is.
The End of the Tour. I finally watched it. It was fascinating and so so sad. A lot of it is about loneliness and surrender. David Foster Wallace was so loved and so so lonely. In many ways, all of the love that people felt for him made him feel more alone. I think in many ways, the authenticity of his book and person depended on his ability to surrender to that lonely space, explore its dark corners and edge.
My book is the same journey. I don't know the ending because I am not sure what she finds at the end. I'll know it when it comes to me. I guess I am not sure of the answer myself. I have watched good friends suffer lately at the pettiness of human interactions. We can be so cruel to one another. It is a way to wield power. All the way down to the mitochondria of my cells, i have no desire for power over anyone. Just a desire to love and to feel love. That is where my block comes. I think, sadly, like DFW, in my inability to receive love. Whenever I've really grasped for it, it mostly just slips through my fingers, so I've trained myself not to ask. If you expect nothing in return, then you are never disappointed. Plus, I am watching up close these last few weeks the heart ache between two friends of how cruel we can be to one another, for the sake of ego and power. It's sport to some people and that scares me about other people. To me, loving is to lay down. I have quoted this before, but it is truly one of my favorite quotes about love:
“Why don't you ever use your strength on me?" she said.
Because love means renouncing strength," said Franz softly.”
― Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being
-Bon Iver
I keep losing weight. In winter, people don't notice much because of the bulky clothes. It doesn't seem to matter how much or little I eat, how much or little I run. It just is.
The End of the Tour. I finally watched it. It was fascinating and so so sad. A lot of it is about loneliness and surrender. David Foster Wallace was so loved and so so lonely. In many ways, all of the love that people felt for him made him feel more alone. I think in many ways, the authenticity of his book and person depended on his ability to surrender to that lonely space, explore its dark corners and edge.
My book is the same journey. I don't know the ending because I am not sure what she finds at the end. I'll know it when it comes to me. I guess I am not sure of the answer myself. I have watched good friends suffer lately at the pettiness of human interactions. We can be so cruel to one another. It is a way to wield power. All the way down to the mitochondria of my cells, i have no desire for power over anyone. Just a desire to love and to feel love. That is where my block comes. I think, sadly, like DFW, in my inability to receive love. Whenever I've really grasped for it, it mostly just slips through my fingers, so I've trained myself not to ask. If you expect nothing in return, then you are never disappointed. Plus, I am watching up close these last few weeks the heart ache between two friends of how cruel we can be to one another, for the sake of ego and power. It's sport to some people and that scares me about other people. To me, loving is to lay down. I have quoted this before, but it is truly one of my favorite quotes about love:
“Why don't you ever use your strength on me?" she said.
Because love means renouncing strength," said Franz softly.”
― Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being
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